The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
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Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?