Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
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Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.