“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
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Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.