What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
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[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.