Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
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Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.