My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
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I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.