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Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
The Friday File.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.