[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
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I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute