Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
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whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.