Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
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my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
The game has officially changed 😎
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I’m not average. I’m mean.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person