Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
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your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating