My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
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I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.