There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
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My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.