My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
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the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old