me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
You Might Also Like
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.