Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.

Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young

Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok

when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”

choose your gary

Bruh 😭😭😭😭

Me working remotely from home:

“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”

*moving laundry from washer to dryer

me: can I get a job application

mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience

me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these

Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.

“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting

Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!

Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?

Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.

“I want frog legs.”

-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever

Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

Spring cleaning checklist…