“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
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I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.