If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
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I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
never deleting this app.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*