Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
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If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
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.
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
We decided to have money instead of children.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??