Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
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Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.