The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
You Might Also Like
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen