Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
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Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda