When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
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Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
kitchen magnet
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation