I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
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Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
WWE is French for “yes”
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!