*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
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Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
choose your fighter
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.