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I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
thinking about a very short hotdog
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Every BBC series about the universe.