Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
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The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.