“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
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“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it