I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
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I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
“HELP WITH CAT”
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I bet birds love this building.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.