Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
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Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”