me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
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The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *