Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
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Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭