Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
You Might Also Like
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.