The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
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Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
😂😂
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree