[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
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Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Kentucky names the shit out of places
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Proctology is located in A55
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Phones down.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve