HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
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[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
💻🤡
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills