If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
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WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.