aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
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*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.