I would like even faster food.
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If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.