Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
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All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
My current situation