Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
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Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home