[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
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If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.