The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
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Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
My five year plan is a meteorite
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go