Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
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“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
this is what they would have looked like, though