I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
You Might Also Like
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast