my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
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Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.