I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
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Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
How dude HOW?!
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus