Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
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Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Always the camel, never the toe.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new