It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
You Might Also Like
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems