No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
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“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.